I was just in the store scoping out the Halloween candy and I noticed the sneaky pretzels sitting there amongst the candy as if they belonged. They had their cheerful orange and black seasonal disguise, but underneath it all was the same tasteless crunchy snack as the rest of the year. People don’t be fooled. Do not buy pretzels for Halloween. Pretzels have nothing to do with Halloween. They are like a slap in the face to the adorable little cherubs that come knocking on your door looking for sweetness.
And I know! Some of you are against dental decay or you do not wish to promote illnesses brought on today’s society by obesity. All I have to say to that is go inside and turn off your porch light.
If you are still not convinced, know this. Your pretzels will be weeded out on the first go round. They won’t even be in the last remaining just-okay candy left in the bottom of the bag. This is how it works. The first time the kid dumps out his loot on the living room floor, the parents look at it and make a trash pile. And in the trash pile the parents put things like opened candy wrappers, candy suspected of containing razor blades or needles, no-name candy they have never seen before and have no idea where it came from and imagine it to have been hand made by some meth dealer starting early on his next victims ......and the kids will throw in your pretzels.
Go buy some real candy.
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