Owl's Lust

Owl's Lust is the name of my latest red nail polish.  Really marketing people?  Owl's are known for their lustiness?  I could understand Rabbit's Lust because they are famous for their insatiable procreativness.  Even Kitty's Lust.  We all know they multiply almost as quickly as the rabbits. Very lusty those guys.  But owls?  Owl's just sit there looking ....watching ....occasionally hunting and eating a small victim.  Kind of creepy actually.

I'm thinking they must just be running low on catchy names.  It's got to be a tough job to come up with new names all the time for:
"Red"
"Pink"
"Slightly darker than the last Red we made"
"The same Pink as five years ago but we are renaming it so you'll think it's Brand New!"
"Hey, we mixed Red with Purple."
"Look! There's *glitter* in this one."

I see through it all, but I still read the names.  I still buy them.  No one else knows I'm wearing "Baby Bonnet Lace" one week .....and "Hooker's Cleavage" the next.  It all just depends on my mood.

Go ask the woman in your life what color she's wearing.  That may actually be the secret code for understanding her.  And it was spelled out for you all along, right there on her toes.

PRETZELS?!

I was just in the store scoping out the Halloween candy and I noticed the sneaky pretzels sitting there amongst the candy as if they belonged.  They had their cheerful orange and black seasonal disguise, but underneath it all was the same tasteless crunchy snack as the rest of the year.  People don’t be fooled.  Do not buy pretzels for Halloween.  Pretzels have nothing to do with Halloween.  They are like a slap in the face to the adorable little cherubs that come knocking on your door looking for sweetness.

And I know!  Some of you are against dental decay or you do not wish to promote illnesses brought on today’s society by obesity.  All I have to say to that is go inside and turn off your porch light.  

If you are still not convinced, know this.  Your pretzels will be weeded out on the first go round.  They won’t even be in the last remaining just-okay candy left in the bottom of the bag. This is how it works.  The first time the kid dumps out his loot on the living room floor, the parents look at it and make a trash pile.  And in the trash pile the parents put things like opened candy wrappers, candy suspected of containing razor blades or needles, no-name candy they have never seen before and have no idea where it came from and imagine it to have been hand made by some meth dealer starting early on his next victims ......and the kids will throw in your pretzels.

Go buy some real candy.

iMammogram

I hate mammograms.  I really do.  Maybe I’m the extra sensitive sort, but they hurt!  And it’s cold in there!  In this freezing cold room you have to wait in your little half tablecloth that is open in the front and not really closed anywhere, to get the bloody hell squeezed out of two of your most tender parts.  Brutal I tell you!

Last month I begrudgingly had it done with much whining to friends and family.  It was all the reminders on Facebook that finally did it.  The ones like “My friends who were only 32 and 35 DIED of breast cancer.  Go get your mammograms!” and “Don’t leave your children behind!  Get your mammograms ladies!”

So I finally said to my flaming conscience, “For crying out loud!  Fine!  I’ll do it!  Just stop the depressing reminders already!”  I dug out my Mammogram letter.  The one that said, “Your mammogram is due immediately.  Schedule a day in January immediately.” (And yes it did actually say Immediately twice.  See how pushy these people are?)  I got it done in September, only 9 months late.

But I was thinking wouldn’t it be nice if you could just take your own picture and send it in?  Like an email attachment?  That would be awesome.  All we need is an app on the iphone with X-Ray abilities, right?  So this is how it would work.  In the comfort and privacy of your own warm home, you take your iphone and someone else’s iphone (Preferably someone like a husband, boyfriend, or very close friend who doesn’t mind your breast being literally all over their phone.) You turn the app on, smash your breast in between the phones and push the buttons.  Of course depending on the size of said breasts you might have to do this several times.  And for particularly breast-gifted women, the iPad app might be preferable.  As soon as you push the buttons the image would be saved to your photo album.  From here it would be easily sent off in an email to your radiologist or doctor of choice.  How amazing would that be?!

So get crackin’ you app developer people.  And as soon as you perfect this technology, you can start working on iSonogram.  Just think!  Facetime with your unborn baby for the traveling parent!!  Genius!!

"Automatic" Paper Towels

The word Automatic implies that one might have access to paper towels easily! instantly! without thought! in mass quantity!

No. It means you  must do a little dance, waving your hands over, under, to the front and sides of the fickle dispenser. Rub its belly. Ask it how its feeling. Tell it you appreciate it. Do a step back if it doesn't work so the machine can get all unconfused and reset itself. All this to maybe MAYBE get three inches of paper towel. This little scrap might dry off a couple fingers, but most people have more than that.  So you have to do the dance all over again, maybe three or four times, while a couple of people behind you are waiting in line having finished their dance at the automatic faucet and managed to spray their whole bodies in the process with an incorrect guess at the preset water pressure. They are in for five or six dances at the paper towel dispenser, minimum. Poor things.

My theory is that we've gotten too clever.  We've maybe gone up to the top of Clever and should have stayed put. Enjoyed the view. But not knowing when to stop we sometimes roll down the other side to a very frustrating  ......Unclever.