Perfumery Gone Wrong

 

I often find myself walking past someone who quite nearly knocks me out with his or her intense noxious fumes.  Fumes they put on themselves on purpose amazingly enough!  Perfume and Cologne can be wonderful things, but they can be tricky to get just right.  So I thought I would review two basic Scent Facts for the world or just the three people who read this.  But maybe you three can pass the word around.

Okay.  Rule number one:  Make sure it doesn’t stink.  Yes, yes I know you may love it to bits and pieces but that doesn’t mean the rest of us do.  And surely you aren’t wearing it just for yourself and to get everyone else out of your way.  If so, stop reading now.  For the rest of you, take an independent poll.  That means trustworthy strangers.  And don’t go asking your husband because if he has been around any length of time he knows not to tell you anything negative regarding yourself.  Remember that time two years after you were married that you freaked out because he said the dress you had on looked “kind of like a psych ward nurse?”  Well he remembers and has vowed not to repeat the mistake, understandably.  And don’t ask your best friends either because they’ve been putting up with your stink for years so they’d be way too embarrassed to admit what they think now.  They’ll just lie and say you smell divine.  Useless information. 

You go to the perfume counter and act like you are testing perfumes, one of them yours, and ask strangers what they think of it.  Good or bad, this process will get you your answer lickity split.  If you see noses turning up and mock retching you’ll know to toss your bottle.

Rule number two:  One squirt.  Yes really!  Only one.  Your smell should absolutely not walk into a room before you do.  Nor should it remain in the room after you’ve gone.  The problem we get into is that as the years go by your brain and your nose get accustomed to the smell.  They say to themselves, “We know this smell.  She knows this smell.  We are not going to bother telling her about it.  We need to save that brain space for telling her where she parked her car at the mall so she does not walk around for 30 minutes looking for it like an idiot.”  So you see, the scent the perfume emits has not diminished over the years as you may think.  You just don’t smell it anymore.  One squirt, please.

And men, these rules apply to you as well.  For instance if you are trying to attract the ladies, you only want a very faint whiff of yumminess to peak their interest.  You do not want them running out of the room for fresh air at first opportunity.  I’m sure you will agree that this would be quite counter-productive.

Just remember, one squirt ….of something that actually smells good.  Thank you.